Today I had a counselling session that left me thinking about a single word: Judgement. Sometimes judgement and comments from other people, but also judgement from myself. For as long as I can remember, I’ve carried this belief that I should be able to do more. Be stronger. Push harder. Handle everything without needing help. Work more. Be less tired. Feel ‘normal’.
If I’m struggling, I should work through it.
If I’m tired, I should keep going.
If I’m overwhelmed, I should just figure it out.
Lately, there has been suggestions to make a change to do less, and take care of myself more. But, every time it comes up, I have the same reaction.
“That’s weak.”
The judgment arrives immediately and I immediately say that isn’t an option.
People work long hours every day.
People manage stressful jobs.
People have difficult lives.
People do way more than I do.
And as I am sitting in my new counsellors office, he challenged that thought and I instantly said “well fuck!” We both laughed and realized this is where the work needs to begin.
He asked me to consider something I had don’t think I ever thought about before. Maybe I did … but it stuck out yesterday BIG time!
What if I’m comparing myself to people who aren’t carrying what I’m carrying?
What if the standard I’m holding myself to doesn’t actually fit my reality?
Because the truth is, not everyone is navigating multiple health conditions while preparing for IVF. Not everyone is balancing countless appointments, learning how to regulate their nervous system, stepping away from medications that once helped them cope, and still showing up day after day with hope.
IVF already comes with uncertainty, grief, fear, anticipation, and emotional highs and lows. Add in the pressure of managing your health, finances, life at the same time, and it becomes an entirely different kind of emotional balancing act.
Some seasons of life require a level of resilience that people on the outside may never fully see.
And I know so many people are carrying heavy things too — different things, but heavy all the same. So if you’re reading this quietly whispering, “me too”… pull up a chair. Take your shoes off and get comfy. We’ll start a club.
I realized that maybe taking a step back and doing less wouldn’t be evidence that I’m weak, but maybe it would be evidence that I’m listening.
Listening to my limits.
Listening to what I actually need instead of what I think I should be able to handle.
And if I’m being really honest, a huge part of the fear is financial.
Because slowing down sounds nice in theory…until real life enters. Until I realize I am almost done work for a few months with zero income. Not only does that add stress to my life, but it puts more pressure on Brody to earn more. We’ve figured it out the last few years and we will do it again – but the fear is real.
Bills still show up.
IVF and the preparation with acupuncture, physio and counselling is expensive, even when you have a LOT of help.
Life is expensive. Like why are groceries and basic necessities seeming almost unattainable?
Credit card balances don’t magically disappear because your body is exhausted … one can only hope though am I right?!
There’s a very real part of me that thinks:
“You only work a few hours. You should be doing more. You need to push harder.” And maybe that’s part of the judgement too.
I have typically viewed strength as endurance. And at 39 … It’s time to challenge that belief!
Strength meant pushing through.
Strength meant proving that I could do it all.
But another version of strength is self-awareness.
Maybe strength is recognizing when something isn’t sustainable.
Maybe strength is trusting yourself enough to make a decision that other people may not fully understand.
Maybe strength isn’t about proving how much you can carry and maybe it’s about knowing when you don’t have to carry it alone.
I think that’s the lesson I’m sitting with.
Not every need is a weakness.
Not every limitation is a failure.
Not every pause means you’ve given up. Sometimes a delay is not a denial — as one of my good friends reminded me a few months ago when God decided to pull a plot twist on my perfectly planned plans and I had to deal with a parasite that would not quit.
Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is stop judging ourselves against lives we aren’t living. To stop measuring our worth against someone else’s capacity, circumstances, or path.
Sometimes it looks like slowing down long enough to finally listen to ourselves.
And maybe, just maybe, trusting ourselves is one of the strongest things we can learn to do.
Until next time … which honestly, I have no idea when that will be, thank you for being here. Thank you for reading these little pieces of my heart and allowing me space to share them.
